Journal entry: August 19, 2008

“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
~ 2 Peter 1:5-8

Why this progression?

I can see Peter having this conversation with his people and elaborating:

“Alright, now that you have belief, let the people around you be blessed by your good deeds – this is your faith in action. Yet in the midst of your doing, don’t forget to continue growing in knowledge of God for yourself - so that this faith becomes more and more your reality. And once you have knowledge of God’s nature and what pleases Him, manage your lives with self-control, not like people who do not know God. But this is not going to be easy, in fact, you are in this for the long haul – but I can promise you that it will be worth it. Your efforts, coupled with God’s grace, will produce a glorious likeness to Christ – you will shine like a star in a wicked and perverse generation. The goal of all of this is love; this is shown by loving the brethren – through thick and thin, when you want to and when you don’t; when people appreciate you and when they overlook your efforts; when love means pain and the fear of it not being reciprocated; when you risk vulnerability for the sake of freedom and true fellowship. But in the end you are becoming like Jesus and people in this world will see Him alive in you because you aren’t ashamed to be glorious and rare. So be a rare breed of person in this world. Love without fear and hold nothing back.”

Vicarious Living

      Every girl I know owns at least one of these movies: Ever After, The Princess Bride, Sweet Home Alabama, or The Notebook. It is almost like we can enter another world (one much more alive than our own) when we sit down to watch these. We all desire to be swept up in a great romance when we hear heart-pleas like “The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me” from the Notebook. We want to take Rachel McAdams out of the movie and replace ourselves there with Ryan Gosling, staring deeply into his eyes. But we can’t. Then the movie ends and we have to go back to normal living where the greatest adventure we encounter is not dying on the way to the grocery store because the younger sister with the learners’ permit is driving or the most beautiful we feel in a day is when a friend tells you your hair looks nice. Great. Woo hoo. There’s no Westley that will say, “Hear this now: I will always come for you” and you reply like Buttercup, “But how can you be sure?” and he’ll reply, “This is true love - you think this happens every day?” Then we become frustrated, sad, and desperate people because our longings are not being fulfilled. I wish there was someone who knew what I am talking about! But could it be that we are “looking for love in all the wrong places?” This is a neon flashing light that tells us we are bored with our lives and are trying to live vicariously through others to make our hearts come alive.
      Living vicariously through someone means that you feel or enjoy imaginary participation in the experiences of others. People want to feel and enjoy life so badly they find temporary thrills that will keep them from feeling numb. Guys do this too. They watch gladiator movies, play video games, and wield the remote like an armchair quarterback. I’m not saying that anyone who does these things is trying to escape from their own normal, everyday lives. I’m saying instead of imaginarily participating in activities that make your heart beat faster or give you an adrenaline rush, go out and live life passionately and with purpose.  These are legitimate needs but we are responding to them inadequately.
      We were meant to live vicariously through Someone, though. Paul passionately pleas “to live is Christ!” (Phil 1:21). He expounds on this in Galatians by saying “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (2:20). Paul is talking about some kind of transformation that has happened within him where he has gone from death, a type of crucifixion, to life. If we are to experience everything Christ is in the fullness of his life, then we must also die with him. Oswald Chambers says in his devotional, My Utmost for His Highest, “Sanctification means being made one with Jesus so that the disposition that ruled him will rule us. It will cost everything that is not of God in us.” Everything that is not of God in us is what he wants to crucify. Then the transformation occurs by which we vicariously live through Christ a glorious new life before the Father.
      The most inviting and wonderful part is that we become one with Christ and experience unity with him in the spirit (1 Cor. 6:17). I don’t desire what most people my age desire – I’m 22- years-old and have absolutely no desire to party, drink, or go clubbing. I have been taken over by Christ and cry out to be his slave. I want to be used by him to leave a legacy of being the fragrance of Christ in the earth and make an impact on people that ripples into eternity.  Most people boast in their independence and view democracy as superior. But I, as all Christians should, boast in my utter dependency on God and relish his dictatorship over my life, where he is my King and I, his bondservant. I beg to be ruled by him and ironically in this find the greatest freedom and joy. My prayer has always been that, like Mary, I could respond in obedience to whatever the Lord requires of me by saying, “I am the Lord’s servant, may it be unto me as you have said” (Lk 1:38).
      In one of my life verses, Paul exclaims, “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering, becoming like him in his death and so, somehow attain the resurrection from the dead” (Phil. 3:10-11). Paul envisions himself so wrapped up in Christ that his own essence and identity is lost in him, only to be truly found. I read this verse and try to imagine what it means to share in the life of Christ, to be hidden inside of him, to be lost within him, so utterly and completely that I no longer live for myself but for Him who died for me and rose again (2 Cor. 5:15). I still maintain my personality, talents, and unfortunately, my sense of humor, but as Christ advances in my life and takes over more territory, I am being changed. Our lives should embrace what Paul proclaims in Colossians 3:3, “For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.”

Window to my mind

I've been home for three weeks now and summer is beautiful! I work at Panera and really enjoy it - I like the steady schedule and makin' some money!
It's wonderful spending time with people I love - my heart is so full.
I feel like the Lord has his hand around my heart and he's gripping it because somehow it's linked to His heart.
So many things rolling around in my mind right now, but I'll share the most recent one.

So tonight I just came home from volunteer training (meeting 2 of 7) for Good Samaritan Hospice - a ministry for terminally ill patients.
I don't know what happened to me tonight, but while we were sitting in this 3 hour meeting I started feeling like I had claustrophobia.
Tears kept coming to my eyes as we were talking about typical patients that they encounter and what they die from - mostly cancer.
In part I felt so sorry for the people who die like that, then in another part I felt fear for myself dying prematurely.
I think that's my greatest fear - to die before I've lived the life I always dream about.
My sentimentalities cling to my future and my dreams:
I want to be married and have babies... I want to watch my babies grow up loving Jesus and watch them find their place in this world...
I want to leave a legacy and felt like I've only just began - I DON'T FEEL SPENT YET!!! 
All these thoughts were going through my head during this meeting and I almost walked out for fear of bursting into tears.
I kept thinking - "Not yet, I'm not done yet. I haven't fully lived."

So I was challenged by a dear friend on the way home to talk to the Lord about it.
So I did.
I cried and prayed and worshipped all the way home on this rainy, foggy night.
It was glorious and I feel resolution now.
I think it's good to wrestle and think about these things.
It makes you want to live life better.
Why should we wait until we are diagnosed with a terminal illness to live like we only have a month left?
What if I spent 80 more years living like that!?!
Can you imagine the potency and influence of a person like that?
So I journaled just a little while ago and I'd like to share it with you -
they are broken thoughts, but I hope that Jesus can mess with you like he has with me:

Even if I live 80 more years,

“Each man’s life is but a breath.”

If I only had a month to live,

it wouldn’t be a tragedy.

The tragedy would be a life

lived only for myself.

Vain pursuits of filling my life

with more possessions or prestige.

Instead I am the one now

possessed by Someone.

He owns me and I gladly give

my life to Him.
And now He is the one I live
to make prestigious!

Sweetly broken,

wholly surrendered.

I welcome Him to place

His demands on me,

even if it costs my life.

“To live is Christ.”

Our greatest testimony will be

that we remained faithful.

We overcome, in the end,

by the blood of the Lamb - 
deflecting the wrath of God,

and the word of our testimony –

that we knew Him and loved Him.

“They did not love their lives so much

as to shrink from death.”

More.

Life in the fog.

The road I travel leads me to unknown territory
where yet again I have to trust the One leading.
Why do none of the surroundings look familiar?
I desperately look around
trying to find something recognizable
to bring a sense of safety.
Yet the Voice has brought me into
a new country
an uncharted place of my soul
teaching me new ways to see Him
and how to walk differently.
Here I stand in the fog,
life shrouded in mystery,
not knowing what life will look like
on the other side.
"Close your eyes, beloved, and just listen...
I'm here in the fog."

The red buds and cherry blossom are blooming,
along with new leaves of green.
Another sign of transition
to a more beautiful season.
The only constant in my life is change.
I can count on that.
I know there is always transition.
All I need to have acquired
is the ability to hear His Voice.
Then, and only then, I know I will be alright.
He is a good Shepherd.
I shall not want.
Lead on, O King Eternal.

I feel like I'm at the beginning of a transition period of my life.  Finishing up this season at ORU with my dorm group and with friends here on campus with over a month to go.  I remain fully engaged in life here and am taking full advantage of these divine moments to spend time with people.  Yet I am preparing my heart for this summer and trying to listen to the Lord about what he wants to do this summer and where I should place myself and what my purpose should be. I'm just listening right now.  Last night I was reading about Moses and David, how they were shepherds before they became a king or a prophet.  We shouldn't neglect this period of preparation nor see it as a setback when we are not in a position that seems like the "real work" that we think of as our destiny.  The journey is the destination.  The pursuit is the completion.